Time is a funny thing. Sometimes it seems to drag on while other times it flies by far too quickly. Either way it’s moving and it only goes in one direction. Forward.
This time a year ago I wasn’t in a very good place. So I did what I usually do when trying to make sense of things, I wrote about it.
I was heartbroken, sleep deprived, on the rebound and once again facing into the dark hole that is depression. Not a good combination. I was a mess. So I wrote about it some more.
I was pretty lost but turning to words helped me get through. There were plenty of times when I couldn’t verbalise how I was feeling but when I sat in front of a computer the words poured out of me. Some of it I published, some of it I only shared with particular people and some of it will never be read by anyone but me.
I was never sure how much sense I was making but that didn’t stop me tapping away. In its own way it all helped.
My mind went to its dark place, which is neither fun nor pretty. But with the help of counselling, medication, writing, and the support of friends and family the darkness lifted. I won’t say I’m my old self because if depression has taught me anything it’s that you’ll never be your old self. You will be yourself again though. A new you, the you of the here and now, the you who was strong enough to get through depression. It changes you slightly but you’re still you underneath it all.
The other day I read two blog posts which really resonated with me, limmster’s one on change and Robyn’s one on confidence. There are parts in each of them that I could have written myself despite my circumstances being different to each of the bloggers. I think many of us could have written similar pieces.
Change and confidence have played a big part in my life over the last twelve months.
The confidence that slowly came from realising that the mistakes I made weren’t the end of the world. That it’s okay to pick yourself up and start again. The confidence that came when I decided to push myself to do things that I wouldn’t normally do, like setting aside my shyness around strangers and meeting some new people. Which turned out to be a pretty great decision as it brought some people into my life whose friendship I hope I’ll have for a long time.
The change that happened when I finally let go of my ex. The change that happened when I realised I was attracted to a man. This isn’t supposed to happen to gay girls. The change that happened when I realised that I was attracted to more than one man. Not at the same time, mind. But it happening once I could sort of explain, the rest I was simply baffled by.
The eventual answer for me was obviously, you’re actually bi not gay. Which is a pretty big change.
The change that happens when you meet someone and share more than just a passing attraction and you start dating. The change that happens when you tell people you have a boyfriend when they’re used to you having a girlfriend.
So time moves forward and with that comes a whole heap of things but being happy and comfortable with who you are is a good place to be. It’s easier to believe in your abilities and not second guess the opportunities that come along. I’m not saying the second guessing stops completely but it happens less often.