The darkness has descended, again, and I don’t much like the person I am right now so I’ve gone and done the one thing you’re not supposed to do…I cut myself off from people.
Here we are again, it’s gone 5 am and I’m still awake. If previous nights are anything to go by then this means there’s no chance of me sleeping at all.
Insomnia is something that has visited my life over the years, usually in short bursts, but it’s been a constant foe (I almost said companion but it’s not exactly friendly) since January.
Last week I was all gung-ho about feeling the fear and doing it anyway and this week…well this week isn’t going so great.
It has been a strange month, there’s been good days and bad days, but despite my best laid plans I’ve been letting the bad days dwell on me more than I probably should considering the good days actually outnumbered them.
It kinda crept up on me and, suddenly, hit me full force across the head all at the same time. It’s possible that there were little signs that I didn’t pick up on, actually if I’m being honest then I definitely missed a sign or two but the first I realised anything was really wrong was when the floaty feeling reared its head on Monday morning.
It’s like I’m in the corner of the room watching everything that happens, both, around me and to me but I’m not inside my own head enough to be in real control of any of it.
There’s no two ways about it, the first time you see your ex after the break up is bound to be all kinds of awkward. You can plan it out in your head a million times over but it’s never gonna play out like that.
Maybe it would have been different if we’d arranged to meet up instead of unexpectedly bumping into each other in this city that is too damn small at times but seeing her really knocked me for six. Just as an aside, we had originally arranged to see each other shortly after she moved home but at the last minute we both realised, separately, that we weren’t ready to face each other yet so it didn’t happen.
Put me in front of a group of strangers, give me a set topic and I’ll talk the hind legs off a donkey with no problem at all. Place me in front of the same group without something specific to talk about and I’ll probably mutter and mumble for fifteen minutes before being able to make any sense at all. It’ll take another while before I actually relax and feel like myself.
I don’t fare much better with individual people either, I’m the same gibbering wreck for a good half an hour or so. It’s a rare occurrence that I meet someone and instantly feel comfortable around them which, I guess, makes it all the nicer when it does happen.
Break ups are hard and strange as it sounds this is something I’ve only realised within the past month. What makes things even harder to get my head around is the fact that technically the break up happened last summer.
You know the score, or maybe you don’t, a relationship that starts out great falls victim to a change in circumstance and you realise that it’s not going to last the distance (figuratively and literally). Breaking up before any resentment crept in and someone got hurt seemed like the best idea so we parted ways.
Things were a little weird, at first, but it really didn’t seem like a major deal at the time. Months passed, life threw some other issues at me and that prompted my ex to get in touch to see how I was doing. From this phone call grew a new friendship, it was different than it had been before (obviously) but, to us, it seemed perfectly normal.
Once again life entered the mix and over the course of phone, text and email conversations I realised I was pinning and was clearly still in love with her. So, you know, there was that!
After much thought and deliberation I decided it was best to know one way or the other if we had a shot (bearing in mind she was still living out of the country which was the original catalyst in our split). It back fired big time, she wasn’t impressed at all.
This is where things started to get really messy, simply being friends wasn’t an option for me and I needed to cut all contact and at least try and move on. Having agreed to this, I was then bombarded by phone messages and emails from her which really didn’t help matters at all.
Asking her to stop didn’t work, nor did ignoring her and hoping she’d go away. In the end I had to ask a mutual friend to have a word. Whatever he said, it seemed to do the trick and I made the decision to look onwards again.