Here we are again, it’s gone 5 am and I’m still awake. If previous nights are anything to go by then this means there’s no chance of me sleeping at all.
Insomnia is something that has visited my life over the years, usually in short bursts, but it’s been a constant foe (I almost said companion but it’s not exactly friendly) since January.
It’s there when I close my eyes. Mocking me by screaming ‘Ha! Sleep, I don’t think so’ and I’m left staring at the ceiling as I grow more frustrated and restless.
At first there wasn’t anything in particular keep me up, just a general feeling of meh, then the stress of the whole sorry mess with my ex became my company of a night. And now, well now it’s just the inability to switch my bloody thoughts off.
In hindsight the week of, literally, no sleep at the end of January was probably the first signal that all wasn’t well mental health wise. But I just didn’t see it at the time.
There are nights when I’m almost trapped in bed, sleep not forthcoming yet I’m unable to move. These are the nights when I think I’m cracking up the most, my eyes fight to remain open despite my desire for the opposite to happen.
Every little thought feels a million times bigger than it is. Problems that your rational self could solve appear scary and unsolvable. These are the nights when nothing seems certain and I wonder if I’ll ever get eight hours of sleep again.
Other times it’s as if my brain hasn’t registered that it should be sleeping at all. On these nights I don’t feel tired and have been known to clean the bathroom at 4 am just to use up some of my energy. Mostly though, these are the nights that I spend listening to music and writing (and as you can tell, tonight is one of those nights).
Insomnia and I have been down this road before so I know the drill. I just wish the end was in sight and I could get a decent night’s sleep sometime soon.