The darkness has descended, again, and I don’t much like the person I am right now so I’ve gone and done the one thing you’re not supposed to do…I cut myself off from people.
First it was Twitter, I said I was taking a break ‘cos I don’t do well there when I’m in this state. And that’s true, in so far, as I don’t like the person I come across as yet, I can’t seem to stop myself from tweeting on insomnia/darkness fuelled nights.
I’ve spent the past 24 hours avoiding being around people, I’m telling myself it’s just until I get through the initial rough patch and then I’ll show my face to the people that care about me.
There are people that I know I could genuinely call, at this hour, and they’d be there to lend an ear. Believe me, I’ve thought about it and if I was able to actually verbalise this stuff, in place of writing about it, then I would. But no one wants to be the person that phones at 3 am, says nothing, and then bursts into tears. I know, I know, I’m cutting myself off from friends, again, but that’s just the place I’m in right now. No one else needs a night’s sleep interrupted by my instability.
Look, it’s been a strange year, to say the least, full of highs and low with some fun and confusion (and confusing fun,) thrown in for good measure. Yes, some of it’s been tough, but I, and many others, have been through worse.
My initial breakdown, back in 2005, was triggered by a particular event from the previous year. An event that I can count on one hand the number of people, apart from medical professionals, that I’ve told about (if one, any, or all four of those people happen to be reading they’ll know exactly what I mean). It’s been playing on my mind a lot lately and particularly the last two days.
It’s something I thought I’d dealt with, not gotten over because I know that’s never going to happen but come to terms with in a way that would’ve allowed me to move on somewhat.
In reality, what I did was go through it, get the minimum amount of help that was immediately required, shun the offers of extra help, do whatever I could to blot the entire thing out, get angry, and basically morph into a person that even I no longer wanted to be around.
And then I crashed…I hit rock bottom and believe me it wasn’t a pretty but I battled back to a place where I could, at least, function. I guess that’s what I’ve been doing ever since, functioning with various degrees of success.
But what I’ve done is try block the entire thing out again, at least as much as I could, and I need stop doing that.
I found myself talking about it, extremely briefly, with some one new recently. I’m not even sure how the conversation started but there I was talking about it, for the first time in years…something which I needed to do (you know who you are, if you’re reading this thank you for listening).
I feel like I’ve been running from it for so long that I need to go back to the start and learn to deal/cope with it all over again. How I go about doing this, I have no idea.
Maybe far too much time has passed for me to ever be able to get to grips with it. I honestly don’t know but I hope it hasn’t.
I know I’m not the only person to go through this and that others have been in the hole before. What I need to do is realise that offers of help, are just that and I shouldn’t be ignoring them. Now if only I actually acted on that.
I’m in no position to be giving anyone advice, of any kind, especially when I’m not even sure I believe it about myself. It was a cliché that they probably didn’t need to hear, especially from me. But me, being me, I said it anyway…I need to know where to draw the line. They also don’t need my self pitying rambling so I clearly haven’t learned much about that line thing, yet.
I’ve no doubt hurt people with the things I’ve written in this and previous posts and I don’t want to be that type of person anymore. I’m not sure if there’ll be any more of these posts, I think there’s only so many times I can empty the contents of my head, this way, and get away with it.
And as for Twitter, well, we’ll see how it goes.