Figuring it all out

There are two things that have been on my mind, a lot, lately. Not surprising, really, but they’ve certainly gotten me thinking.

The first, the event that triggered my breakdown, isn’t a new thing but it’s still something I was still struggling to come to terms with.

I added a fifth person to the list of people who actually know what I’m talking about when I mention this event. I wasn’t having a good day, last Saturday, and ended up breaking down and telling my best friend the entire story.
 
To say she was brilliant, about it, would be an understatement. 
 
I’m not blocking it out. I’m learning to go with my emotions and not try and shut them down.  
I’m talking about it more. It’s never going to be something that I tell everyone but not talking about it, at all, has done me no favours. So, at least, now I’m on the right road.
 
The second thing has baffled me more than anything else. A couple of you know what I’m talking about and some of you could probably hazard a guess and be right.
 
There are things, about myself, that I’ve never questioned. I never felt the need to. So to find myself doing it at the age of 28 has been weird.
As baffled as I may have been when the question first reared its head, I went with it and figured it’d all make sense in the end. It has and I’m okay with that. More than okay actually.
I know I’ve hurt people with some my actions. Hell I’ve made a right mess of certain things but you can’t change the past, no matter how much you want to. I’m sorry for the way I behaved. I just hope that one day the people involved will realise that.
At one point I didn’t sleep for an entire week. I crashed into darkness and I’m still not out of it, fully. I laughed. I cried. I talked. I wrote. I screamed. I was silent. I danced. And in its own way, it all helped.
In some cases, I’ve over shared and in others I probably haven’t shared enough. But you learn to deal with it and move on.
As I said, on Twitter, the other night: Embrace who you are. If that’s not the person you (a) used to be or (b) thought you were, that’s okay. Just be you in the here and now.
Do you know what? I’m finally able to accept and be the person I am instead of the person I thought I was.